Choosing to put yourself first is one of the hardest things to do in life.

I know because we stay in jobs, relationships, and situations that make us feel awful. We talk about it at the dinner table, how frustrating our boss is, or how annoying the landlord is, or how ridiculous the new savings rate is with your bank. There are complaints everywhere. I see it every day, and boy oh boy is the narrative OLD. 

Look, I’m not perfect, I’m my own worst enemy - we usually are! Here is a short but non-extensive list of the things I stayed in where I had way outstayed my welcome of what felt exciting, fun and fulfilling to me:

• I stayed in two relationships that were going nowhere. They were good, loving, kind men, but they were not right for me, not really. I made compromises that were really sacrifices that I didn’t want to make. But I stayed, for YEARS in those relationships kidding myself that they would change. 
• I stayed in jobs way past their sell-by date. Hoping for the salary increase, recognition, and ultimately fulfillment I so deeply craved. Even when the salary increases came the momentary satisfaction was usually quickly outweighed by a deeper niggling feeling that something was amiss. IGNORED. 
• I stayed living in a house I grew to resent because I believed in thoughts like now isn’t a good time, the property market isn’t great right now, and I can wait until next month, then it will get better. WHY did I do this to myself? 

I share this because, a) it is important to realise that even as a life coach, I am still human, and I have certainly made decisions this last decade that did not serve me and b) I want you to be able to relate to what I share and see real life examples.

It’s not only the big decisions where we hold back from being honest with ourselves about what we want. We worry about everyone else before taking care of ourselves. We make decisions based on what you think your parents, partner or friends want or will approve of. The micro-decisions like what you eat, what you watch, read, listen to, or wear. 

Then to add on top of this, we say what we want, and then we discount it. Reduce it to a whisper of what we originally said because it would be 'too much' to ask for that and dare to claim it.

Phrases like 'aim high', 'back yourself' and 'you only live once!' are every where. T-shirts, coffee coasters, and little plaques to hang in your bathroom. But do you actually listen to them? We hold ourselves back. We create imaginary walls around what is safe, reasonable or fair. We don't want people to judge us and we worry about what they might say.

Isn’t it exhausting?

Isn’t it time to change the narrative?

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure

Maryanne Williamson said "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." and for the longest time I didn't get it.

We get wrapped up in tails of inadequacy and not-enoughness.

That good things happen to someone else, not to you. That you just don’t have what it takes, that you’re surviving this life, doing the best you can with what you have.

We have been conditioned to believe we do not deserve to have it all, or that we simply can't, that's not the way the world works. We are reminded time and time again how lucky we have it, the news perpetually shows us what’s wrong with the world. Your LinkedIn reminds you daily how someone else is getting promoted. Your Instagram is showing someone else’s best life.

But, over these few years that I have been coaching and starting to question my own narrative of what I think is possible for me, I am noticing more and more that it is a great disguise. The disguise is that our inadequacies are what keep us safe, and small. Indeed, everyone is living their own life. Everyone has an opinion, a judgment, their own limitations of what is possible and realistic. But to use it as a measure of your own success and fulfillment? No, that’s the mistake we make time and time again.

There is no measure, except of course against what YOU really want for your own life. 

The truth is you are powerful beyond measure. To claim this power within you means acknowledging your own worth and realising you get to choose how to feel and be in control of your thoughts and emotions. To identify the innermost thoughts and fears that you have, until now, were allowed to roam free unquestioned. No more.

You get to question everything. What if it isn’t true? What then?

It’s time to change your narrative

You see, so many of us, myself included, for such a long time thought everything in my head was true. To be fact. I never even thought to question it until someone asked me; ‘do you like yourself?’, and I broke down (I was in a restaurant of all places so not ideal)!

I didn’t like myself. I was exhausted of my relationship, my job and in truth, my own relentless self-judgment and rejection. On the outside life was great, but inside, I was constantly in a battle with myself. But I let it run unchecked - I didn’t question a single thought. I just accepted them to be true! At first, I rejected and resisted the idea it could be otherwise. Because it meant something I wasn’t ready for. 

That to dare to be great means we must first let go of the narrative that no longer serves us. 

But something had shifted. I couldn’t unsee it. What if I didn’t have to believe everything I thought about myself? What if I could just choose to like who I am and change the narrative that went with it?

So I got help and did the work. I started noticing the good around me. I started to realise I could choose to feel good, just because. I started to prioritise things that made me feel good and de-prioritise things that didn’t.

I was reading personal development books, following accounts that elevated my mindset and ultimately I started investing in myself in time, money and energy. Most powerfully I stopped the narrative of what was bringing me down. 

So when my boss was annoying, I no longer felt personally attacked, I thought wow, thank you for showing me who I don’t want to be like when I’m in your shoes one day. Or when I missed the tube, again, I took it to mean I needed to slow down and relax instead of standing there anxiously waiting as I would have to do so anyway. I started implementing boundaries on my time, energy and resources. Finding gratitude every day became a practice that changed my entire outlook on life. Most powerfully I started watching my thoughts - ‘what will they think?’ no longer became the final discussion. The narrative extended into ‘who is they?’, 'who am I NOT to do this?', ‘what will I think’?

I didn’t do this alone. I invested the kind of money I would previously reserve for holidays, clothes, travel into coaching. The compound effect of these actions ultimately changed and saved my life. I like who I am, I wake up in joy and I feel a deep sense of purpose and fulfillment every day. It doesn’t mean everything is perfect, or that I don’t have goals, but now, I like who I am, I like how I feel most of the time and when I don't feel great, I know how to hold myself through those moments. As you know, in time, I even decided to start my own business and then travel - during a pandemic! Well, the rest is history.... 

My journey won’t look like yours. But if you’re reading this far, it’s because whether you know it or not, you are on a journey of your own. 

Get radically honest about what is serving you and what isn’t

It’s time to put yourself first and get honest about what you want or don’t want in  your life. The longer we stay in the victim-mentality that life is happening to us we are giving away our power. The truth is that we have the power inside of us always. We can choose to harness it any time.

This self-inquiry may throw up things that we have been avoiding and not wanting to face. Remember, we cannot change what is outside of us, but we can change what is within us. I fully acknowledge that there may be some much deeper healing that needs to be addressed and it’s important you get the right support to address these things. It is likely there are beliefs we have adopted that we believe so fully that we have never questioned and there is discomfort in that.

Remember, if it was easy you would be there already. But you’re not, you’re here, and change is uncomfortable. That’s why they call it the comfort zone, and it’s only outside of this that you go through the pain zone (or discomfort zone as I call it) before you reach the growth zone. So be gentle with yourself in this moment. It doesn’t mean you have to go hand in your notice tomorrow, end your relationship or move out today! 

But this is an invitation to start acknowledging for yourself the areas of your life that are not serving you and putting yourself first for a change. 

If you want help with this, then that's what I do as a life coach and I can help you. Schedule a coaching consultation today to explore life coaching. 

 Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash